


Give Me A Space, It'll Help Me Survive

by OwenToDawn



Series: Meant For The Sea [1]
Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Grooming, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Nonconsensual Past Alexander of Tirragen/Roger of Conté, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Slash, Rape Recovery, past child sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25813126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Alex has a distinct feeling that he’s forgotten something important.
Relationships: Alexander of Tirragen/Roger of Conté, Alexander of Tirragen/Thom of Trebond
Series: Meant For The Sea [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872850
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	Give Me A Space, It'll Help Me Survive

**Author's Note:**

> Basically I got this idea like four years ago about an AU based around "What if Thom figured out Roger's plan when helping Alex figure out why he lost his memories about Roger". And then this happened. This is going to be a two part series. This fic is pretty rough. Please be mindful of the tags. The second fic will be about Alex's full recovery and him and Thom actually getting together. This fic is a pre-slash fic for them.
> 
> Title from Samo & Grace by Cake Bake Betty
> 
> Series title from Song of the Sea by Cake Bake Betty

Alanna kills Roger and even knowing that it isn’t permanent, Alex finds it hard to leave his bed. Spending years alongside him, in his bed with Roger’s magic curling in and around him leaves him lost and wanting. But within days his memories are jumbled and he doesn’t dare tell anyone when he’s not sure the cause himself because why add suspicion he’s just shaken? Alex also doesn’t tell anyone about his feeling that Roger will return. He knows he will, but without evidence, he’ll only make himself look crazed.

So he stays quiet and mourns the loss of his mentor while Alanna rides off into the sands.

-.-

Alex has a distinct feeling that he’s forgotten something important. Delia looks at him often in court these days, a strange smirk on her face like she knows something he doesn’t. It makes him uncomfortable so he avoids her like he avoids everyone else. Partially it’s because no one wants to be around him. He understands, even if it hurts. He was Roger’s squire. No one really seemed to believe that he had no idea of Roger’s plans to kill the royal family and take the throne.

Well, no one except Jon, Gary, and Raoul. He’s always been quiet so none of them seem to notice his silence when they have time to all be together, which isn’t that often these days anyways. He works a lot helping train the pages in sword work at the training master’s request. He’s nothing if not good with a sword. When he does go home, his father avoids him. Alex isn’t sure why. His father has never treated him with any sort of warmth or friendliness, but he took Alex’s eventual takeover of Fief Tirragen seriously. Now, Alex finds himself barred from meetings. He can’t even look at the financials.

The whole affair just makes him feel even lonelier, so when Jonathan asks him to accompany Alanna’s brother Thom from the City of the Gods. Everyone knows Thom is a powerful mage so Alex isn’t sure why he needs a guard. Once he meets Thom, he realizes it’s less of a safety issue and more of Thom being a hazard to horses and pack mules.

“Are you transporting a library?” Alex asks as he moves around the three pack mules to double check how secure the packs are.

"I would have if the old bats would let me,” Thom says as he follows Alex. “I could move the whole library to the palace if I really wanted.”

Thom is nothing like Alanna. Alex has never heard anything close to the melodramatic pouting in Thom’s voice and it grates on his nerves.

“His Highness would not be pleased,” Alex says.

Thom grumbles something else that Alex deliberately does not hear. Once they’re on the road, things get worse. Thom rides like a page who’s never seen a horse. He complains like one too. Alex perfected the art of remaining silent among stupidity long ago, so it’s easy to tune him out and just focus on the scenery.

“Alex?”

Alex turns to look at Thom who rides alongside him, knuckles white as he grips the reins. “What?”

“You were Roger’s squire, were you not?”

“Yes, I was,” Alex says.

“And were your present when he died?” The look in Thom’s violet eyes is eager, and it makes Alex’s stomach twist.

“When your sister murdered him, yes,” Alex says, voice stiff.

“Can you describe it to me?”

Alex’s body goes cold all over and his eyes narrow into a glare. “Did that city make you go mad?”

“I’m curious-“

“Curious.” Alex brings his mare, Darkfire, to a halt. “Roger was my mentor. He committed treason but that doesn’t mean I took great pleasure in watching his death. I’m to guide you to Corus and I will. I won’t tolerate this kind of talk of the dead, no matter what treasonous acts they may have done.”

Thom seems surprised by Alex’s words and hesitates before urging his own horse to follow after Alex once he starts up again.

“If it helps, I don’t care about treason,” Thom says. “I don’t treat Roger’s death callously because he’s a traitor, but because I’m more interested in discovery than I am with lives.”

"That doesn’t make me like you any better,” Alex says. Darkfire snorts her agreement.

“Caring gets people in trouble,” Thom says. “If you let yourself get attached to people for something as simple as duty and honor, all you do is risk getting the wool pulled over your eyes.”

“How did Alanna tolerate you?” Alex asks through gritted teeth.

“Alanna likes duty and honor,” Thom says. “Nothing I ever say could irritate her because her faith is so strong and that is admirable. Perhaps you should think about why it bothers you so much.”

Alex keeps his mouth shut and doesn’t rise to the bait.

-.-

Alex dreams that night. He dreams of soft, pale fingers walking up his thighs, rough breathing in his ear, and whispered words he’d always wished to hear. He wakes up in a cold sweat and a chest full of shame. Lusting after one’s knight master was bad enough. Lusting after one that was treasonous was worse, and add on the fact that he was dead…Alex wants to find the nearest cliff and fling himself off of it. He grabs his sword and after a quick glance at Thom’s sleeping form, heads off into the woods.

Their small campsite is still in sight but he has enough room to swing his sword. He starts easy, simple sets that work through the basics. The sequences get harder and harder, until he’s at the tricky ones Roger had drilled him through, ones that very few of the squires or knights bothered to learn because they lacked the speed. He regrets it, because all he can think of are Roger’s warm hands correcting his stance. It breaks his concentration and after the fourth mistake he stops, winding himself down slowly to avoid any muscle cramps or strains even though all he wants to do is chuck his sword into the woods and give up on the whole knight thing.

When he stops, he sees Thom leaning against the nearest tree. His eyes glow in the night, like the fire of his gift is too strong to remain invisible even when he’s not using it. Alex wipes sweat from his brow and sheaths the sword.

“Do you normally train in the middle of the night?” Thom asks before Alex can walk away.

"Sometimes,” Alex says. He strides past Thom, jerking as if stung when Thom grabs his wrist.

“I should apologize,” Thom says. “I shouldn’t treat other’s losses so callously just because I find human connection odd and worthless.”

“Thanks,” Alex says. He returns to his bedroll but stays seated on top of it even after Thom returns to sleep.

Thom fingers had been warm. The last person to touch his skin so directly was Roger. He misses it.

-.-

Thom isn’t exactly pleasant the rest of the time on the road, but he doesn’t drive Alex crazy. He talks a lot, mostly about his experiments and how Delia of all people had been urging him to come to the court and speak with her. It’s the first thing he says that piques Alex’s interest, if only because of the strange looks she’d been giving him.

“No offense, but I have no idea what she’d want with a mage,” Alex says. “She’s…” He shakes his head, not wanting Thom to blurt out whatever he says about her in the future due to his lack of care.

“She was interested in the increased abilities of mages during Midwinter,” Thom says. “She says she has projects she’s interested in.”

“Odd. Delia doesn’t have the Gift,” Alex says.

“Either way, I’m looking forward to an actual challenge,” Thom says. “Few people actually have ambitious ideas like her.”

Alex isn’t sure what ambitious ideas Delia could possibly have about magic. She seemed disturbed by it more often than not. There’s an itch at the back of his mind, like he’s missing a piece of the puzzle and if he just knew what it was, he could stop it. He just didn’t even know what _it_ was.

-.-

Alex returns to the palace the night before Jonathan leaves for the desert. Thom leaves him behind with barely a word of thanks and then Alex finds himself being pressured by the Provost to take on another squire. Frankly, he just wants to be alone. When he thinks about his last squire, Geoffrey, and how they‘d spent most of their time with Roger, his head feels strange. He barely remembers their time together.

The thoughts continue to bother him until eventually he seeks Thom out. The room he’s holed up in is…unpleasant. It’s dark with the curtains drawn and the remnants of candles are strewn all across the desk. Thom doesn’t even notice that he’s let himself in until he clears his throat and sits at the desk across from him. Thom doesn’t startle like other people do when he manages to approach them without notice. He just looks up and then returns to his books.

“I’m assuming you’re here for a reason and not just to watch me,” Thom says. “I’m hardly appealing to the eyes.”

Alex looks him over and can’t help but disagree. Thom grates on his nerves but he is rather nice to look at, if scruffy, but then Alex’s tastes had always run for men with nice beards. When Jonathan’s came in, he’d been the subject of Alex’s fantasies for months. It takes him a moment to remember he’s supposed to respond instead of just staring at Thom with increasing hunger. It’s the first time Alex has seen Thom unsettled. Well…confused at least and Thom seems to a person who doesn’t find himself feeling such an emotion that often.

“I was just wondering if mages were capable of blocking people’s memories,” Alex says.

“Why?” Thom asks, losing interest in Alex the moment he displays normal behavior.

“Because I’m missing something,” Alex says.

That catches Thom’s attention again. “Oh?”

"Memories from a few years ago when I was a squire, and when I took on my first squire too,” Alex says. “I barely remember any of it.”

“Hm…” Thom leans back in his chair. “Memory work is tricky. It can be done but it’s a challenge for even most skilled mages. I think it’s more likely you just have a bad memory, or at least I would believe that if it weren’t for your close proximity to Roger.”

“So you think Roger messed with me?” Alex asks, going rigid. Roger is a known traitor, sure, but he’d felt…important to Roger in a way he’d never felt important to anyone else. The thought that Roger had done something to him makes his whole body feel numb.

"The man betrayed his king and queen and tried to kill his cousin,” Thom says. “Messing with some no name squire would hardly bother him.”

The words make Alex seethe and before he can stop himself, he’s on his feet, seizing Thom by the front of his robes and dragging him across the desk. “I am not nobody.”

Thom laughs and Alex almost punches him. “House Tirragen is hardly on good terms with the crown, not with King Roald’s peace loving policies. They don’t show their faces in court and if it weren’t for Jon’s friendship you’d doubtless be riding in some back country ordered to cut down low skilled bandits.”

The truth in the words stings, so Alex shoves Thom back in his chair before he can give in to his desire to harm him. Thom’s amusement is gone already though. Something more serious replaces it.

“Oh that truth bothers you but that’s not what really hurts, does it?” Thom asks.

Alex grips the edge of the desk. “Never mind, I don’t need your help.”

“You can’t stand the thought that you were just a nobody, a pawn, to Roger of Conte,” Thom says as Alex turns away. “You don’t care about the status of your House in the eyes of the court, no not that, just the status of your worth to a dead traitor.”

“I thought you said you didn’t care about kings or queens or traitors,” Alex says. He doesn’t look back, but he can’t bring himself to leave either.

“I don’t. But you’re supposed to, aren’t you?”

Alex steps back, falling back into his chair in one fluid movement. “Roger was important to me. What he did…it doesn’t change what he was to me but if he tampered with my memory I don’t…”

Vulnerability has never been his strong suit. When he looks up, he expects to see casual disdain in Thom’s eyes but he seems to have learned from their last conversation. Alex isn’t sure the pity he sees is all that better.

“I can look,” Thom says, voice soft and free of any mocking tone. “But you have to understand I’ll have access to all your memories no matter how embarrassing. That means secrets too.”

“I don’t care.”

Thom stands, gathering his robes around him before heading to the window that’s closed off by deep purple curtains. He opens them wide and with the light, Alex can see a pleasant reading bench nestled in the deep window sill. Thom sits and pats the space next to him. Alex goes, legs folding underneath him as he sits on one of the cushions.

“The light doesn’t bother you so why do you keep the curtains drawn?” Alex asks.

“Because candle light is softer. Sunlight doesn’t bother me, you’re right, but I certainly don’t prefer it,” Thom says. He reaches into his robes and procures a vial of herbs. “Vervain. Always start with vervain.”

He uncorks it and dumps some into his hand before vanishing it back to its hiding place. A moment later, the vervain in his hand catches on fire, the same color as his violet eyes. Alex watches as Thom pulls out a different vial and dumps more herbs, and a moment later the air starts to smell sweet like the licorice his mother used to send in his page years.

"Anise,” Thom says. “Good for nightmares. That’s more for your comfort.”

"What?”

"Undoubtedly we’re about to uncover some very awful things,” Thom says. “You’ll need the help to sleep.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

Thom flicks his fingers out and the purple fire streaks through the air to surround his head. He barely stops himself from flinching. The fire doesn’t hurt and it won’t unless Thom decides to harm him but he still can’t help the way he shivers as the alternating warm and cold tingle washes over him. He tries to look at Thom but his vision blurs his image away.

Instead, rage he’s never known takes its place and Alan’s…Alanna’s face fills his mind. Phantom fingers crawl over his chest and hot breath caresses his ear.

“You don’t have to stay inferior. With me, you’ll outlast him by decades.” Roger’s voice sends a sharp stab of grief through his chest followed by horror when the hand on his chest slips down to grasp his cock.

“Hold steady, we’re almost there,” Thom’s voice says, echoing around him.

Alex thrashes against the memories, wanting nothing to do with the person he’d been. He was jealous of Alanna sure but he didn’t want to kill her, he’d always been a coward when it came to acting on his jealousy. The next memory that fills him, he’s older. Roger spoons up behind him and fucks into him, slow and deliberate. Horror still fills him at the thought, but it’s in the background now. His feelings then had been delight, pleasure, indulgence, and behind that a feeling that something was off. He has an urge to cover it all up.

The memory fades quickly, giving rise to another one. He’s stretched out on top of Roger as they talk and Alex listens with increasing anxiety as the conversation confirms everything he’d known. Roger’s coming back, and his death had only been a sorcerer’s sleep. Any collection of mages could awaken him with the right amount of effort but he wanted Thom to do it because…because…the memory slips away. Pain ricochets through him a moment later and the memory returns in even sharper focus.

“Tying myself to the most powerful mage Tortall has ever seen should give me the power I need,” Roger says, fingers combing through Alex’s hair. “Of course, your father’s forces and Delia’s will be a good insurance even if I can only get the power of a few subpar ones…”

“I’m still working on him,” Alex hears himself say. “My father is plenty angry but it’s hard to talk him around. A few more weeks and he’ll see things our way.”

“Good.” Roger’s fingers tilt his chin up and he presses their lips together. Some part of Alex wants to recoil and pull away, but then desire surges to the forefront again.

He rocks back into his body with a jolt of pain before collapsing forward. Thom barely manages to catch him. He clings to him, burying his face in the thick robes as tears start to stream unbidden down his cheeks. His stomach rolls, sickened by it all. Roger’s hands on his skin, training him to like it at such a young age, and fostering his rage and jealousy in the process. The fond memories of what he thought was consensual dissolve and he clings to Thom harder as a sob claws its way out of him.

Time passes but Alex isn’t aware of it. His brain just replays everything again and again until he’s fighting down bile only to get worked back up a moment later. Finally, cool fingers press to his forehead. All at once, the shame and fear is forced away, compartmentalized so Alex can think clearly. He recoils from Thom immediately, flushing as he wipes his tears away. Oddly enough, Thom looks…disturbed. Or something. Whatever it is, it’s the most genuine expression Alex has ever seen on his face.

“I have never felt anything like that,” Thom says.

“What do you mean?” Alex asks.

“I mean the few times I’ve done memory work it was for the sake of hiding locations and spy work,” Thom says. His voice shakes. “You always feel what the other person does. I have never felt a fear like that before. Roger…he-“

Alex lunges forward, covering a Thom’s mouth with his hand. “Don’t say it. Don’t name what he did.”

He doesn’t want to hear the words. Not yet.

Thom pries Alex’s hand away. “I’ll get more anise and a few other things. That will help you sleep. We’ll discuss what we saw when you wake.”

“My father,” Alex begins as Thom walks over to his desk. “He won’t talk to me anymore. He must know I don’t remember. It’s part of Roger’s plan, somehow.”

“Alex, later,” Thom says. He still sounds unsteady, almost angry, and entirely out of his element. “You should go back to your quarters. I’ll come by with tea and help with some magic.”

The thought of being alone with his thoughts terrifies him. The expression must show on his face because Thom frowns.

“Or you can stay,” Thom says. “My bedroom is connected. You can sleep there.”

Alex nods.

-.-

He falls asleep after an herb-heavy tea and a spell that makes his whole body feel warm. When he wakes, it’s to the ringing of the dinner bell. His eyes are sore and a little swollen. For a long moment all he wants to do is bury himself in the covers and hide from the world but he knows it won’t help. Roger groomed him, physically and mentally for what he wanted and took advantage of his hero-worship and trust to violate him and he’d fucking fallen for every single bit of it.

He drags himself out of Thom’s bed and heads back into the attached study. The room is closed out from the setting sun and lit by candles instead, just as before, and Thom is bent over his desk, scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment. He looks up when Alex sits down across from him. There’s something close to concern in his eyes, and Alex isn’t quite sure what to do with that.

“Which do you wish to discuss first, the political or personal?” Thom asks, voice soft.

For some reason, it irritates Alex. “I’m not some traumatized child that you need to treat with delicacy.”

Thom raises an eyebrow. “I’m a bit out of my element but I can say it was not my intention to make you feel that way. I just feel as though this is an important matter and you could use a friend.”

“You’re hardly friend material,” Alex says, the harsh words leaving him before he can think them through.

“Yes, I’m aware,” Thom says. “So I take it you’d rather talk about the political ramifications.”

“Sure,” Alex says. What happened to him is inconsequential when compared to what his father and Fief Eldorne were planning. “Can’t all this be avoided if you just don’t wake him up?”

“I’m sure someone as bright as Roger has a backup plan, especially with Delia around,” Thom says. “Better for me to do it given that I know what his plan for me is. I should be able to guard against it.”

“When he wakes…will he be strong?”

“Unlikely,” Thom says. “A sorcerer’s sleep is…it is as close to death as you can be and reentering the world as a fully living, breathing human being is incredibly disorienting.”

“So wake him up and I’ll stab him through the heart before he can think of taking a full breath,” Alex says, voice cold.

“While I agree with the sentiment there’s still the matter of your father and Delia,” Thom says.

“Let me worry about that,” Alex says. “I’ll find enough on them to convict them of treason, all I have to do is pretend I’m who I was.”

Thom’s expression becomes uncomfortable then. “About that…I know you aren’t keen on talking about it, but you should know something about who you became once you were Roger’s squire.”

Alex keeps his expression as neutral as he can. “Alright, what?”

"That wasn’t you. He magically crafted up a new personality over time to tie your loyalty to him,” Thom says. “I assume he needs you for protection.”

“From who?”

“My sister most likely,” Thom says. “She was on to him even when he thought she was Alan. Better to have someone willing to die protecting you who can match Alanna’s speed with the sword, no?”

“But I…” Alex shakes his head. “So who’s real?”

“I think that’s up to you,” Thom says. “From what I could feel in you…I don’t think you have the personality to be ruthless on your own.” A flush spreads up his neck. “Unlike myself.”

“We aren’t so different though,” Alex says. “Neither of us have any emotional attachments to speak of and it makes you ruthless but not me. That can’t be right.”

"You’re a knight, are you not?” Thom asks. “If you saw someone you didn’t know dying on the side of the road, would you stop to help?”

“Of course,” Alex says. 

“That’s the difference between us. I wouldn’t,” Thom says. “I care for one person in this world and that is my sister. In the face of other’s tragedies and strife, I feel nothing or if I do it’s just anger and I tend to not act on that. I think Roger is much like me in that way, and that’s what he tried to turn you into with his magic and manipulation. It won’t work though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he spelled you to forget everything because given your nature, without his constant influence over you, it’d only be a matter of time before you turned on him and his cause,” Thom says. “And he left a trigger to bring back the you he created once he awoke again. I got rid of it.”

Alex bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from saying anything rash. After everything he’d felt it was hard to believe that the ruthless, angry person he’d been with Roger was nothing more than a construction. But then, Thom has no reason to lie. He might be disturbed and angered by what Roger had done, but he certainly didn’t care for him the way he did Alanna. Alex isn’t sure Thom’s the type to even lie to Alanna for her own good.

“We should tell Jonathan,” Alex says. “Roald won’t do anything.”

“I doubt Jonathan will either,” Thom says. “From what Alanna tells me, Jonathan would see this as an opportunity for rehabilitation no matter what we know of his real plans.” He shakes his head. “No, it’s best for me to raise him and have you kill him. Then we’ll speak with Jonathan about the rebels waiting for him.”

“Alright. What will you need to bring him back?” Alex says, feeling steadier now that there’s a way out. There’s a plan now. He can focus on that instead of worrying about all the things fighting beneath his skin and making his chest and head ache.

“I’ll likely need to borrow power from Alanna,” Thom says. “I’ve already been looking into how to draw someone out of a sorcerer’s sleep.”

“We can’t tell Alanna about this,” Alex says, the words leaping out of him before he finishes thinking them.

Thom raises an eyebrow.

“I just mean…she’d stop us, right?” he asks. “Better to ask for forgiveness.”

“That and she has other things on her mind,” Thom says. “You’re right. We’ll have to keep everyone else in the dark as well until he’s awakened, so play nice with Delia.”

“I’ll take her on a trip to visit my father,” Alex says. “I can fake the return of my memory and tell them I’ve convinced you to help me.”

“I’d say that would be tricky but I think at this point everyone seems to think I lack all morality,” Thom says.

Alex frowns. “Would you raise him regardless? If you didn’t know what we do now, would you still do it just to prove you could?”

“Oh, of course,” Thom says. “Stopping a treasonous plot is just a bonus. I would have brought him back no matter what.” His gaze is almost painful in its apathy when he looks at Alex. “I’m helping you because I’m disturbed by what he did to you and what he wishes to do to my sister, but I have no loyalty to a king or a country. Don’t give me more credit than I deserve.”

After everything, Alex isn’t quite sure he believes Thom is truly so cold, but at the very least, Thom believes he is.

“Regardless of your intentions, I think I’m giving you just the amount of credit you deserve,” Alex says.

Thom’s lips quirk into something close to a smile and Alex pretends it doesn’t make his heart beat a little faster.

-.-

In the end, it’s almost anti-climactic. Alex swallows his anger and pride and cozies up to Delia and his father, stores notes and coded letters of correspondence detailing treasonous plots in Thom’s room, and Thom works on figuring out how to keep himself safe from Roger leeching onto his power and life. The time comes for the spell to be completed and for Roger and Delia’s masterplan to be enacted.

Roger opens his eyes in his tomb and Alex puts a knife in his chest, puts Delia in chains, and turns over all the information he’s gathered to the royal guard and that…

That’s it. It’s over before it’s even begun.

Jonathan strips Fief Tirragen of its power and cedes the land to some other noble and Alex gives up his claim to knighthood before Jonathan can even ask. He’s not sure if Jonathan even would have, but Alex doesn’t know how he would justify keeping the man who killed his cousin in cold blood on as a knight, so he saves him the trouble. As it is, Alex knows he should be jailed for his actions, but Jonathan’s able to save him from that particular fate due to the work he did to turn his father and Delia in.

A month later and Alex finds himself wondering if he and Thom made the right decision. He’s packed his few belongings in saddlebags and donated the rest to various charities in the city with a semi-formed plan in his head to become a mercenary. He doesn’t regret what he’s done because he’s lost his knighthood. But he does wish that they’d let Roger live long enough for him to get answers. Then again, what could have Roger done other than confirm what Alex already knew to be the truth?

He finds himself standing outside the door to Thom’s quarters, head resting against the heavy oak as he tries to find the courage to knock. He’s avoided Thom since everything unfolded. It’d been easy to do – Thom isn’t like his friends who ask after him, pester him over and over with their offers to help him with anything he needs when all he wants is to be left alone so he can figure out who the hell he even is. Thom corroborated what information he could when discussing the depth of the plot to Jonathan, but he’d never sought him out. In a way, Alex almost wishes he had. For all that he would hesitate to call Thom anything close to a friend, he’s also the first person to treat Alex with any sort of genuine gentleness.

And, in an odd way, he’s the only person to really know that Alex isn’t really a person at all, just a jumbled mess of memories and false personality traits with nothing but emptiness beneath it. There’s a relief, maybe, in not having to put on a show that he’s human. Thom knows better.

There’s the sound of the lock clicking and then the door creaks open. Alex steps back, swallowing when he meets Thom’s eyes.

“I wasn’t sure how long you intended to stand out here, so I thought I’d at least invite you in while you mull over what it is you want to say,” Thom says.

“I…thank you,” Alex says.

He goes to take a seat in the chair across from Thom’s at the desk, but Thom grabs his wrist with a gentle touch and guides him instead to the window bench he’d sat in when Thom had removed Roger’s spell. It feels odd sitting there, but he’s comforted for some reason by the proximity it gives him to Thom.

“So, I need to find somewhere to go,” Thom says. “I’m thinking of returning to Trebond to properly take over the estate. King Jonathan has, rather politely, asked me to make myself scarce for the role I played in Roger’s resurrection and second death. I assume you have found yourself in a similar situation.”

“Yes,” Alex says. “I…am going to join a mercenary group I suppose. I’m not sure what else I want to do and I can fight so…”

“You know, you are more than just a weapon,” Thom says. He’s not looking at Alex, his gaze turned firmly out the window and out onto the castle grounds. “Although I suppose considering the damage Roger did to your psyche, perhaps it’s hard to know what you are outside of a weapon, hm?”

“For someone who claims to not like people, you seem to understand me quite well,” Alex says, but he’s not offended by it. Knowing he’s been…seen…and accepted despite those revelations is calming in a way.

“I did spend quite some time sifting through your head, so I think perhaps I understand you better than most people would,” Thom says. “It’s about time for you to figure out who you are, and you can’t do that surrounded by people who have ideas of who you were and what you should be.”

“And who do you want me to be?”

Thom raises and eyebrow as he turns his head to look back at Alex. “I have no interest in what you want to be. You’re a blank slate that’s been cracked by what’s been done to you, but you can patch those cracks up and be whoever you want and whoever you please. I care not what path you take.”

Alex nods. It’s about what he expected.

"That being said,” Thom continues. “I do need a bodyguard on my way back to Trebond, and I’m still not any good at riding horses. I imagine our affairs are quite out of order considering Alanna nor I have ever had any interest in maintaining them, so I could use some guidance there as well.”

“What are you saying?” Alex asks, heart beating a little faster.

“I suppose I’m requesting the services of a mercenary and the consultation of a formal noble. Do you know of any who fit the bill?” Thom asks.

“I…” Alex frowns. He has nothing better to do with his time and at least around Thom, he has no fear of being judged. “I can do that.”

“Great,” Thom says. “I’ll need another few days to get my things packed, so figure out what you wish to charge me in the meantime. Whatever you feel is fair.”

“Why are you doing this?” Alex shakes his head. “Why are you doing this for _me_?”

Thom shrugs. “To be honest, I don’t know. I just know I don’t mind your company, and I think you deserve a chance to figure out who you are free of what goals others might have for you. Is that enough?”

Alex looks down at his hands for a moment before looking back up and meeting Thom’s gaze. “Yes. I suppose it is.”


End file.
